you don't see me at all

And so I write some more. In a blog that should've been left in the past, but I can't help but feel the need to vent and I feel bad venting to another human being. I don't feel that it is right to unload my bad times on someone else to carry. These are my burdens and I have to deal with them. Marriage would lead you to believe that you aren't alone in the dealing with those burdens, but still, here I sit alone... unable to release my thoughts and fears and hopes and broken soul to the man that I should be able to. 'my love is music. i will marry melody.' I love that song. Very well written. I need to clear my head. My biggest enemy in these dark times is myself. I know just how to shove me down into the depths of despair and make sure that it takes a small army to pick me back up.
I just don't understand why honesty is such a hard thing to come by. Honesty=Trust=Respect=Love=Happiness. And you can't have any of it without the others. I'm just at a loss for words... I can't argue. I can't cry. I can't ... breathe. Its hard to let go of a past that is so vivid in its despair and betrayal. I... am lost.